LADIES TOUR TO BOGNOR SEPTEMBER 2009

I am sure many of our female members regret their exploits on last years rugby tour….Many may never speak of the events they took part in……………but they live every day with the responsibilities of their actions……………several have spoken to me in the secrecy of the  confessional ….and named the people responsible for the terrible attack on our HOLY Mother McDONALD………

I will NEVER  reveal the holy discussions that took  place ….THERE WERE A LOT OF TEARS AND I HAD TO HUG  (in a very platonic way!!)  MANY OF THE  “LADIES”……..that is part of my job…………..!

Holy Mother Mcdonald  has resumed her responsibilities as MATRIARCH and SPIRITUAL LEADER of our ladies rugby team……

She has suffered  terribly and has only just been resumed to full strength….

She still suffers flashbacks …………and should this happen when you are near ………PLEASE  DO NOT TRY TO RESTRAIN HER…….in her holiness she can be extremely violent ........

Holy Mother Mcdonald remains in a STABLE CONDITION……however we all should be vigilant and watch over our Holy Mother…….

To this aim  …I ….REV, FR DEN.. together with THE LORD HIGH SHERIFF OF STANFORD LE HOPE ….HANGING JUDGE JACKSON…have appointed a GUARDIAN OF OUR MOST HOLY MOTHER MCDONALD……..DEBBIE WALSH HAS SHOWN THE QUALITIES TO GUARD OUR HOLY MOTHER AND HELP AND ASSIST IN HER HOUR OF NEED…….she holds the authority of the court SHOULD HOLY MOTHER BE INCAPACITATED OR HELD IN A PADDED CELL……….(this is conditional of participation of part 4 of SECTION  two of the 3rd divisional chapter of the laws as laid down  by LORD HIGH SHERIFF of STANFORD LE HOPE ..AND REV, FR.DEN and is part 11 of UNIVERSAL LAWS SECTION 9 APPENDIX 13….)….

I am confident SISTER DEBBIE understands these laws and embraces the responsibilities of guarding HOLY MOTHER MCDONALD …..

My closing wishes are with you all ……please protect our HOLY MOTHER …..and play good clean rugby….and please do NOT GET ARRESTED………

As always I am here to serve you …and should you wish to talk about any issues….????

I am always available……

REV. FR. DEN.

MINIS TOUR TO HASTINGS 2009

REV.FR. DEN AND LORD HIGH SHERIFF OF STANFORD LE HOPE HANGING JUDGE JACKSON



PUBLIC APOLOGY - TOUR 2009


The Lord High Sheriff of Stanford le Hope Hanging Judge Jackson and myself REV. FR. Den have endeavoured for many years now to provide you "THE LITTLE PEOPLE " with an exemplary model of how you should lead your lives. We are not perfect  ( we are very close but not quite there !) and so i will be the first to admit...................................

" WE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE AND WE ARE TRULY TRULY SORRY................"

Several of the punishment committee chosen were " NOT " up to the task and dispite being led by "THE BLESSED HOLY MOTHER MCDONALD"  the pressure got to them and the resulting punishments were far too lenient.  Who would have thought SHARON O'FLAHERTY who was found guilty of trading on the black market and of the henious crime of "LOSING A CHILD ENTRUSTED TO HER CARE" would have been been placed in charge of a ball pond as a punishment !!!  20 YEARS HARD LABOUR MAY SEEM HARSH BUT SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER PERSON FOR IT !!
 Also Mr Goshmanski.........who was found guilty of verbally harrassing THE BLESSED HOLY MOTHER MCDONALD (who had just come out of rehabilitation.....)  chose not to do his punishment  !!!
 
THIS IS BEYOND BELIEF AND HAS BEEN NOTED AND THERE WILL BE RECRIMINATIONS!!!!

On the positive side,  DAVE " I'M A LAAYYYDDDEEEEEE" KNIGHT fully immersed himself into his punishment, with incredible enthusiasm!
 I am however slightly concerned that he found it a little TOO EASY ....!!  and it seemed to be a normal Saturday night for Dave...
I  am also concerned about the amount of male attention HE/SHE recieved and several comments that I heard..such as....." IS SHE OR ISNT SHE "   and   " I bet she's sponsored by oil of ulay "..AND.... " LOOK AT THE LEGS ON THAT"  (said by Kyran McDonald)
 Dave seems to be going through an identity crisis and i think as a club we should support him.., I know I will be working closely with him in the coming weeks to hopefully bring him back to some sort of normality......even if he still wears dresses ( and looks fantastic doing it) ...he is still a member of this rugby club.

I was very proud to run out with many of you to play rugby against EASTBOURNE U21'S  !! There was an incredible feeling of testosterone and steroids.... (THEM.....not us !!! )  I was just a little saddened that many of the EASTBOURNE U21'S had to leave so soon after the game because they had to be up so early for their paper rounds..!
CONGRATULATIONS TO GARY EDMEADES.....who scored a wonderful try (a gift from god)! but he hasn't stopped talking about it since !!!!

Our young people bravely went into battle on Sunday ....after 2 very late nights... and I would like to congratulate the U11's who won the tournament !!!!   WELL DONE LADS ......WE ARE PROUD OF YOU.....
Also CHERYL B !  THANKS FOR ALL YOU DO CHERYL.....IT IS APPRECIATED   ...you will have to work a little harder to become a Saint....but you are well  on the way to be BLESSED BY FR DEN.........

THANKYOU ALL FOR YOUR COMPANY THIS WEEKEND..........I thoroughly enjoyed it........

REV. FR. DEN.

MINIS TOUR TO HASTINGS 2009

My Dear family in Christ,
 
The forthcoming tour will once again throw up many tantrums, arguments, sulks and moral indiscretions... that have become a regular occurrence on these rugby tours, as the less spiritual of you succumb to the evils that are all around us.
 There will be tears and much soul searching as you once again strive to gain the very high standards that myself and HANGING JUDGE JACKSON have attained........ HOWEVER YOU WILL FALL SHORT AND I WILL BE THERE TO WITNESS IT AND AID YOU IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED !!!!!!

The work carried out by myself and HANGING JUDGE JACKSON holds no enjoyment for us, it is physically and mentally draining ... but we feel it is our duty to steer the unfortunates like yourselves along the right path.... the old adage "YOU HAVE TO BE CRUEL TO BE KIND" springs to mind.....
 Therefore due to the unusually high volumes of cases we are expecting, we have asked HOLY MOTHER MCDONALD to join our pastoral care team. She brings with her much experience (some we can discuss here.....some we can't!) and is a welcome asset in our holy endeavours.
  She is now fully recovered following the traumatic events of the ladies' tour (this was after several months in rehabilitation... many of them in solitary confinement for her own safety and the safety of those around her) and eagerly awaits serving you. However she is still prone to outbursts of emotion due to the terrible ordeal she endured..  we will have to be very patient with her !! 
 
 In closing having "heard "and unfortunately "seen" it all and knowing that i am in tune with my feminine side,  I do hope you feel confident disclosing your worries and fears.... knowing they will be handled in a professional and very sympathetic manner.
 
 
                                                 SEE YOU IN COURT

FR. DEN

STATE OF ALERT

Investigations are still ongoing following the recent ladies rugby tour to Bognor Regis. 

The Lord High Sheriff of Stanford-le-Hope Hanging Judge Jackson, having been removed to a place of safety along with myself Father Den has been working tirelessly to ascertain the facts and main suspects behind this abhorrent and criminal activity. 

It appears that having been ordained and instructed by myself to carry the full responsibility of the Court, Holy Mother McDonald was overthrown in a premeditated and corrupt revolution.  

Holy Mother McDonald being so new to her vocation was extremely vulnerable and defenceless.  Therefore, the actions of Angela Anderson, Alison Pepper and Sarah Clarke were extremely unjustified and inexcusable.  It appears that these three delinquent and intoxicated individuals took it upon themselves to place a phone call to Darren Watkins (Chairman of SRFC) in the false hope that it would secure the authority to overthrow Holy Mother McDonald and our Court of Law. 

“MR WATKINS SHOULD BE UNDER NO ILLUSION THAT HIS ACTIONS IN CONFIRMING THIS SITUATION WERE ILLEGAL AND ILLEGITIMATE” 

WE ARE NOT COMMUNISTS !!!

It will be the duty and task of Father Den and Judge Jackson to pursue his liability at all costs. 

It is an incredibly sad reflection of our society that Holy Mother McDonald being an extremely religious and spiritual lady was taken advantage of and her authority usurped by these warped and fraudulent individuals. 

However ……   Hanging Judge Jackson will obtain retribution and the above named people along with their accomplices will be punished and brought to task before our Court of Law .

At this moment I am on bended knees praying for Angela Anderson, Alison Pepper and Sarah Clarke in the hope that they will seek forgiveness, I am always available if they would like to talk to me…..however I feel that this situation has gone too far and will be a civil matter rather than a spiritual matter.

FR. DEN

CRISIS IN LADIES TEAM….FR DENS ANNOUNCEMENT!

I was terribly saddened to disappoint several members of the ladies team recently……who asked…no BEGGED myself and The LORD HIGH SHERIFF OF STANFORD LE HOPE HANGING JUDGE JACKSON  to attend their rugby tour…but alas the work of holy and righteous men must take priority and we have both had to refuse.

  The outpouring of public grief and sadness within the ladies team has been tangible,  Rob O'Connell and Kyran McDonald reporting from the training ground that   “outbursts of tears” and “group hugs” seem to be their way of coping.

  Clare Dawson has been spotted wandering around Tesco with a vacant look in here eyes, cradling and caressing an A4 picture of FR. DEN …..while Cheryl B. has been camped outside Judge Jackson's house for 4 nights now singing “ YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS”…!!!

  Whilst I can understand this disappointment and emotions,…as both myself and Hanging Judge Jackson are excellent company and in tune with our feminine sides…we would have been there to help and support you through the good times and any of your ladies problems….!!!

 However after much discussion, prayer and soul searching is has been decided that due to this EXTREME CRISIS OF FEMININE ANXIETY you cannot be trusted to go on tour without a representative of the court and chaperone. Several men did volunteer for the job…but due to health and safety regulations it was decided a women would be more suitable.

THEREFORE IT HAS BEEN DECIDED AND I PROCLAIM THAT FROM THIS DAY FORWARD THAT DAWN MCDONALD BE KNOWN AS “ HOLY MOTHER MCDONALD” AND IN THE ABSENCE OF REV.FR.DEN AND THE LORD HIGH SHERIFF OF STANFORD LE HOPE HANGING JUDGE JACKSON SHE WILL UNDERTAKE RESPONSIBILITIES OF THE COURT AND UPHOLD THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF SAID AUTHORITY (which are subject to change at anytime by FR .D or J.J.).

I am sure HOLY MOTHER MCDONALD will embrace her new found office and STAMP HER AUTHORITY  on any of our feminine members who are led astray on the forthcoming rugby tour.

I wish her good luck in undertaking this momentous task…..

Yours in holy office

Fr.Den

My dear spiritual family,,,

The work of saving souls is a full time occupation, and as seen on our recent tour to Hastings and Uckfield, it can be a traumatic and draining experience for myself and The Right Honourable Lord High Sheriff of Stanford le Hope Hanging Judge Jackson, but our health and well being is of little consequence when it comes to the work of righteousness.

 Some of our “corrective measures” may have seemed a little harsh, however the road to redemption can be a hard one…..I must say the synchronised swimmers were a joy to behold, and the stuttering Elvis was excellent, but I am a little concerned that Kim “ I've got a brand new top” Norris still does not fully appreciate that her quest for top class rugby honours cannot involve young Connor practicing rucking, mauling, scrummaging and line outs after 11.00pm on a school night. I am sure we will see her in court again…..( in fact I know we will)..!!!

 Saturdays senior game was a tremendous effort with many brave and holy men doing battle to gain a 36-19 win.  ( I still ache even now)……. However, following a phone call from Detective Superintendent Collins of the Sussex vice squad we are investigating complaints of a lady loitering outside the gentlemen's shower area… ...any information would be most welcome.

 Our young people had a fantastic day at the Uckfield festival, with great team performances throughout the age groups..yet again their efforts even after a long season ..and an even longer Saturday night have put Stanford R.F.C. on the map…WELL DONE..!!!

Sundays court session had to be cancelled I am afraid…this was due to His Honour being summoned to the House of Lords Westminster….maybe promotion is on the cards????....there was however and incident on Saturday night involving a “PROJECTILE PINT OF GUINNESS”  which due to the severity of the crime cannot be ignored………

I do hope that the two ladies involved will have the courage and commitment of faith to seek my forgiveness…..i am available at any time to discuss it with them…and it could prevent a long and costly court session……………..MY DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN…!!!!!!

MY THANKS TO EVERYONE INVOLVED IN ORGANISING THE TOUR AND THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR COMPANY…….

REV.FR. DEN